THE AWAKENING

by TSF

This is an incredibly tense and fast-paced story--a real page turner--where I actually found myself reading faster to find-out how the scary bits would end. To me, there is no better compliment than that. If another quick pass on the script is possible, though, I would suggest the following:

STORY

Your starting image is a good one--dark figures appearing from blowing sand. It seems very ominous. Very mysterious. Then, when the creature attacks from no-where, you have it--a deliciously shocking start to your horror story. Re-using the blowing sand so that it becomes a motif is a great idea. It's only used twice, though, and to be fully effective, a third repetition should be added.

From the opening pages of the story, Felicity is set-up as our hero. She's the one who can turn a punching bag into pocket-lint, she's the one who can glance at a map then guide her friends through open desert, she's the one who can gather plain sand in her hands and say, "This place is evil." But as soon as Neal comes along he takes-over the show, and Felicity is downgraded to secondary-character status. Neal should be strong and ingenious to prove himself worthy of Felicity, but he should not overshadow her as he does here. In every story, even an ensemble piece, there can only be one hero who moves the plot along and gains the audience's full loyalty. This character should be present from page one, not appear in the second act, where Neal is finally introduced. Before him, there had been a strong protagonist in the beautiful, broken-hearted, kick-ass babe, Felicity, but when she is lost, she takes the story's focus with her.

Three people--Reno (p48), Ted (p65) and Joy (p83)--sacrifice themselves for their friends. Is this too much? Should someone actually do the opposite--turn to flee, and that's how they're killed? Or should one die stupidly and tragically, because someone gets to them a second too late? Anything to break things up a little.

Why don't we actually see the final argument between Felicity and Neal? This moment would be very empowering for Felicity, and would be important for her character arc.

How could Rosco possibly tell Gary that Brenda ran away? Liars and manipulators are good at what they do. They'd never tell a lie that would be so easily discovered.

More foreshadowing could definitely occur in the first act. There is a perfect opportunity when Matt is recounting his terrifying childhood experiences in Maine, but it is never paid-off. And Joy's near drowning experience could come into play in the underground cavern.

More mention could be made of the strange architecture of the Manse. Most houses have windows, but this one is windowless, except for a tiny pane in the basement. Someone could mention this. It would be the natural thing to do, it would help the reader to visualize it, and it would also help build suspense. Why does this house have no windows? What's wrong with it? Obviously, there's something sinister going on, inside.

Also, we never do hear tales of the estate's history before this. There are never stories of disappearances and evil happenings to build that extra tension. Everyone likes a good ghost story....

If Armand is immortal, why does Felicity believe that mowing him down with her car will kill him? It seems a little naive when she and Neal simply leave him behind without so-much as a backward glance, assuming that he is finished. Also, how does Armand re-animate himself?

Cut Brenda's flashback and make her dialogue as brief as possible. Pg 79 is far too late for the script's first flashback, and it's actually more charming if she just recounts the incident in her own words.

Try shortening the final montage because it's definitely running too long. Also, the dialogue in the yard is redundant, as nothing is being said here that hasn't been stated, already.

More mention should be made of the rendezvous near the end of the Second Act. This can be your ticking time bomb. The teens have to get back for it to be saved. As it stands, it's almost forgotten.

Matt's whining about the old sword is a rather heavy-handed attempt at foreshadowing. Try to make it more subtle, or cut it completely.

Why not have a complete reversal in the third act? Instead of having the kids almost reach the safety of the mission before all hell breaks loose, why don't they actually reach it and experience all the joy and relief that would bring? Then, when the creatures' final assault hits, the kids' absolute joy can turn into absolute terror.

The visuals in the climax seem somewhat problematic. The use of the spider could very easily look hokey. Could anything else be substituted?

Matt's death seems a little too quick, especially since he just had the strength to stab Armand in the throat with a hearty, "Next stop--hell!" He should probably weaken a little, instead of immediately dying.

With all the headless, armless, legless, zombies running around, the stabbing of Armand doesn't seem like it should be enough to kill him. Again, he is immortal and seemingly all-powerful. Matt's nifty Swiss Army Knife shouldn't be enough to end him. There should be something more mystical involved.

CHARACTERS

There are some interesting characters here, like Reno the tough-as-nails zoologist and Ted, the sleazy salesman. But all of the characters could use a little more development. It's difficult to find true character arcs or backstory for anyone. Also, the secondary character with the most comic potential--Greg, the verbose attorney--is killed within pages of his introduction. Too bad.

Felicity has no character arc at all. She is tough and wily at the beginning, middle and end of the story. Could she possibly soften, feel a little more vulnerable by the second act, and trust her friends enough to happily share the hero duties by act three?

Joy moves from being a wimp to complete self-actualization in one jump. Could we possibly see some progression in the second act, maybe a few failed attempts at change, before she actually becomes the female Terminator?

From the outset Matt is attracted to Felicity. He is wowed first by her looks, then by her intelligence and incredible competence. But as soon as Neal appears, Matt vacates the romantic scene. Matt's snide comment to him on page 32 even suggests that there will be some rivalry between the men, that there may even be a love triangle if Matt can prove himself worthy enough. But as it stands, why spend the first act on Matt's pursuit of Felicity if it simply fizzles to nothing?

Some mention should be made during the early Joy/Brenda/Felicity conversation about why Felicity and Neal broke up. As it now stands, the heart-to-heart Felicity and Neal have on page 25 has a little of that contrived, "We need a characterization moment" feel to it. This would be softened if the audience had some hint, beforehand, as to what the problem had been. Then the information could trickle out, instead of hitting like an avalanche.

No matter what happens to them, the characters here seem to get-up smiling with no long-term effects. Joy has half her face sliced away. Even though the wound is bandaged, it should hurt like hell. Horror films always seem more terrifying if the characters are really wounded and really suffer...if you can personally feel ever cut they take.

Likewise, the characters take the loss of their friends very coolly, with little or no emotion--just more or less with a shrug. Obviously they would be overwhelmed by the situation, and would be in shock, but why should we the audience care about the death of a character if their own friends don't seem to? Could a little more grief be added to make them more human?

DIALOGUE

There was some very clever and witty dialogue here, especially from Greg the attorney and Joy the jaded prom queen. However, more care should be taken to give each character his or her own voice. Too often lines could have originated with any one of the characters.

Remember that a well-drawn character should have his or her own style and phraseology, enabling the audience to close their eyes and still be certain of who is speaking, just from the idiosyncrasies they hear.

Breaking a character's dialogue between pages is definitely frowned upon. If there isn't enough room at the bottom of a page to include all the dialogue in its entirety, then leave a gap and push everything to the next page.

Cut most of the dialogue after Matt announces that he's not going back. His decision is the crux of the matter. Everything following it just waters it down.

FORMAT

Overall the format was very good. It looked professional.

However, your title page was not standard format. Your contact information should be placed in the bottom right-hand corner, not half-way up the left side.

Your very first paragraph is too long and should be broken up. In a script no paragraph should be longer than three or four lines. If it's longer, it makes the page very "black," something hated--and considered daunting--by all readers.

Only character names, when first used, should be capitalized. Words such as "CAVE- MOUTH," "PICNIC BASKET," "BOOM BOX," "PRISTINE," "NINE" and "JOGS" should not be.

It's now customary to drop the time of day from sluglines where no time change occurs. For example, on Pg 5 the "- DAY" could be removed from "INT. SHED - DAY" and "EXT. YARD - DAY" as the time remains the same. You'd be surprised at how much this little change speeds-up the read and whitens the page.

Within the body of the script, "(CONT.)" should be used every time a character resumes speaking after an interruption. This helps the actors to identify their lines during read-throughs.

Cut-out your "FADE TO's", "CUT TO's", "DISSOLVE's", "FAST TIME ACTION's" "POV's" etc. Directors greatly resent the use of these or any other camera directions. They feel that it's not the writer's job to include them, and you are overstepping your bounds if you do.

Every new scene should start with a line of description, not a line of dialogue--like Brenda's on Pg 17.

Parentheticals within dialogue should sit one line below, and five spaces to the left, of the character name. They should never be buried within the dialogue itself. (See Pg 5, 11, 25.) They should also be no more than a word or two long.

Try not to use so many parentheticals. There should only be a handful in the entire script. You're over-directing, here.

More use could be made of bullet sentences during the action scenes. Some of the scenes, like the one in the abandoned shack, seemed a little sluggish. Break-up those long paragraphs into pithy-single liners and your already-quick script will gain even more speed.

You might want to use FADE OUT or THE END but not both. FADE OUT is actually more correct, since it brackets the FADE IN on page one.

STRUCTURE

Even though your turning points fall within the acceptable ranges, the second act still seems to drag a little in the middle. If possible shorten this act by a page or two, possibly during the "wandering in the desert" scenes.

The script seems to be lacking developed subplots. Every script should have 3-5 fully formed subplots with at least three major beats in each, so you can follow the progression of a subplot through its inception, development and resolution. In your Reno and Joy subplot, you would not only have to show enough of these characters on-screen for them to truly mean something to us, but you would also have to show us the progression of their relationship through at least three major relationship events.

Make sure there is a real point to each and every scene. If a scene can be cut-out because it doesn't add anything to the script as a whole, then do it! Replace it with something a little meatier.

The stakes are truly raised when Brenda disappears, but the heat could be turned-up even more. In fact, the entire focus of the third act could be the tracking-down and return of Brenda. This could help make your three acts distinctly different while pushing your story toward its final climax.

Your page count is right-on. The Industry standard used to be 120 pages, but that's changed. It's best to aim for around 110 pages, now.

LINE NOTES

P6 Where does the story take place? There are no deserts in Washington.

P8 "Old Woman" should be capped only once.

P13 Write-out "three," don't use the numeral.

P14 "She points distractedly at the cave-mouth" should be its own line of description. Anything in parenthesis that's over two or three words should be. (See also Pg 27).

P18 I/E should be INT./EXT.

P25 As soon as they enter the cave a new scene should be started.

P27 The last paragraph is too long. Remember, a paragraph should only be three or four lines.

Pg 28a There was a blank page here. Beware!

P34 Break-up long dialogue like Neal's with a (pause), or better yet, a single line of description.

P35 "As they all fire at it." When and how did they all get weapons?

P37 If Ted had a pistol handy the whole time, why didn't he use it to save Felicity? Why was he forced to use a flare gun?

P38 "Ted drops the shotgun." Should be flare gun.

P45 Much is made of Joy's friend, Terry, at the beginning of the story, then he simply disappears. Should he be re-introduced later in the script?

P53 "The road must be blocked from the storm." What storm? It's still far-off on pg 32, and it's "gong to let loose any minute" on pg 50. It never actually hits, though.

P54 The name "Felicity" changes to "Michelle," then changes back.

P59 Matt's snake-attack breaks the story's rhythm and seem rather pedantic compared to the other attacks. Could this be cut?

P64 Ted was left-behind at the abandoned shack. How did he re-join the group so quickly?

P73 Where did the handy wooden barrel come from? Is there another way they could block the door?

P75 "Lee Ann" should be "Brenda".

P88 "Grass" should be "grasp".

P98 Agent "59" is very jarring, very Maxwell Smart. Could this name be
changed?